All my life...ALL of it, I've been told that independence is good for women. That you don't need a man (or woman) in your life to make it worthwhile and happy. Which was great when I was in school because I tended to get picked on. I was the fat/smart/awkward/stoic/quiet girl that the boys liked to tease and be cruel to until about seventh grade when I realized I didn't care. I was comfortable with who I was, and if they didn't like it who were they? After that revelation the barbs and taunts stopped for the most part, in fact a lot of the boys in general that made fun of me became friends (Chris Demers in particular is one that stands out). But I never had a boyfriend, not once. I came close in high school, though I think I ended up going after the wrong type of guy again and again and again...GG was one I was after, but he started playing with hearts, mine and my best friend at the time's to be precise. I got angry and jealous and ruined a friendship, and then ruined his using of her to go with it. I doubt she knows I did that on purpose...I knew it would crush her, but I couldn't stand to see him using her so blatantly and her not knowing it. Anyway, onto the internet. The internet led me to boys who tended to decide that because I was a girl I was pretty fucking awesome. And I admit, I am pretty fucking awesome most of the time. I don't like to hide my personality and who I am, I feel as though I have little to no reason to do so, and I think people mistake that for confidence and arrogance, and again...that's okay with me. However a funny thing began to happen..."pics" were asked for, and the instant anyone saw my picture it became less of a flirty "you're awesome" to an "eh..." slowly stop talking to her thing. I get it, I really do. I'm no Angeline Jolie, in fact I figure I'm rather ugly but its something I'm attempting and have almost come to terms with. Needless to say the internet was not a good place to seek out a potential boyfriend because they would have to come into reality soon enough and realize their "dream girl" (one guys words, not mine) was a hag...understandably they ran. Lets move onto college now shall we? I think I've got this down pat y'know? The whole "independance and being alone" thing...but more and more I think about it. More and more I realize that in a year or two I'll be out in the real world, by myself. I don't want to forever come home to an empty apartment...I don't want to make the only thing I do be go to the kitchen, grab something to eat, sit on couch, work over cases or whatever, watch TV, go online, go to bed...rinse repeat. I got scared once, dating a boy from home. He actually -liked- me...I still to this DAY have no idea why. We were far too similiar I suppose, we got into each others heads. He was so safe, and secure to me...I couldn't stand it. I couldn't stay with someone who was safe and secure and grounded -to- me....I couldn't be someone's whole world when they weren't mine, so I ended it. So my trackrecord stands at one. One and I'm done for the rest of my life...its far too complicated, too messy. I thought I'd found another but he doesn't want me, even though he'll try to swear sometimes he does. It hurts...it hurts so badly to realize I'm going to be alone for the rest of my life. I want so desperately to believe that someday I'll get what I secretly wish for...I -want- to be that wife in the A-line skirt with the pearls and the apron and the meatloaf with those little fruit slices on top in the oven. I want the 2.3 kids, a boy and a girl and another on the way and a husband that comes home every day with a tired look on his face but lights up when he sees me with dinner ready. I wouldn't mind being in a house that was mine that I could clean and polish and keep looking spick and span. I want to be June Cleaver...when my entire life I've been told to be someone else. I guess my parents were just trying to protect me, they knew I'd end up alone. I mean my dad has outright said he doesn't expect to ever have to fufill stupid wedding duties like paying for the wedding...Bride's families are supposed to do that. I mean if I count what I have right now I have amazing friends, an amazing family, a good school and a good mind. I'm bright and witty and funny (sometimes). I have a sharp sense of right and wrong, justice and not. I'm blunt and honest...I'm conscientious and I try to make people as happy as I can. I'm just...not good enough. Why am I not good enough?
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